It's a Wild Day Here at BeOS Journal News
Note: This was originally written on April Fool's Day, April 1, 2008.
As all our regular readers know, we at BeOS Journal News are serious journalists, working tirelessly to bring you the most up-to-date, accurate news in the most solemn and straightforward manner. Our dedicated news team is on high alert, bringing you the latest from what appears to be an unprecedented news day.
Google is our top story today, with the news that the search giant will be partnering with Virgin Group to launch a human mission to colonize the planet Mars. The venture, dubbed Virgle, Inc., is the most awe-inspiring undertaking of any industry, bar none, and illuminates Google and Virgin's true visionary nature in blazing a trail into the future. Sir Richard Branson, founder of Virgin Group, announced the plan this morning, and revealed that he will personally lead the mission to bring life to the Red Planet. Interested parties are encouraged to sign up immediately on the Virgle website.
As if a mission to Mars weren't enough, Google has further established itself as the leader of the future, with Google Australia's debut of gDay, a search engine capable of finding content before it has been created. This amazing advancement is made possible by the gDay MATE software (Machine Automated Temporal Extrapolation), which compiles information from Google's dizzying array of services into an almost error-free model of what the internet's state will be twenty-four hours later. This advanced modeling allows gDay to accurately predict what will be written before it has even been conceived. Truly, truly amazing.
The happy news, however, has been marred by tragedy, as malicious hackers have exploited vulnerabilities in NASA systems in order to hack into and reprogram the International Space Station. According to reports, the three crew members on board are currently unharmed, but there future is uncertain, and they are already suffering severely from the loss of email. The attack appears to have been precipitated by NASA's use of outdated operating systems and equipment, including several critical systems run by Windows 3.1. Microsoft has been unable to help, as they no longer support Windows 3.1, and all support staff trained on the OS are currently providing emergency triage for Windows Vista. This tragedy is a reminder that powerful, current systems are vital, and that's why we recommend BeOS and the Pentium PRO to all our readers.
Unfortunately, the day has been marred by other tragedies, including a vile and vicious betrayal of the Open Source community by KDE. The formerly Open Source-friendly desktop environment obtained the ability to vote in the ISO OOXML standards process, a move which the Open Source Community believed would give it a voice in the process and a vehicle to make a strong statement against the adoption of OOXML. However, the leadership of KDE announced early this morning that they have voted Approve on OOXML, an unprecedented slap in the face to Open Source software. We here at BeOS Journal are outraged; such a betrayal would never happen in the BeOS community. In other news, the organization made the unrelated announcement that it received a $10,000 donation from an anonymous source in the United States.
Speaking of finances and tragedy, the forces at ProBlogger have fallen prey to the wiles of filthy lucre and in the process have besmirched the pristine nature of the one absolute good in the social networking sphere — Twitter. In an announcement this morning, Darren Rose, founder of ProBlogger, unveiled PayPerTweet, a new service intended to help businesses find Twits willing to accept money in exchange for illicit tweeting. According to Rose, the program already has a captive market of over 250,000 through the cooperation of 50 prominent users, or Tweetledees. The ravishing of Twitter's snow-white repute is nothing short of sickening.
Finally, an upturn after the despicable treachery run rampant today, as ThinkGeek has released a salvo of new products that are simply must-haves. Perhaps the best deal is the $29.99 Betamax to HD-DVD recorder, finally addressing the vast and heretofore ignored market for Betamax transition devices. Then a gadget everyone should have handy, the USB Pregnancy Test for just $17.99 — how do they do it? Last but not least, the item that is going to be on every kid's Christmas list this year, the ZapCam YouTube Tazer — that's right, little Johnny can now shock the bejesus out of himself and every other kid in the neighborhood, and have video of it automatically uploaded to YouTube for global enjoyment. It's refreshing to see a company offering wholesome, down-to-earth, useful products for a change.
That's all for us here at BeOS Journal News, WOBS — News Channel 42.