A few months back one of our vendors made some changes to their FTP servers (Linux servers, thank you very much), which forced me to turn off the sun-lamp and call them to figure out why I couldn't upload anything to their server. As I sat staring aimlessly at the username and password that I had written down (the password contained the word "cheese") I was reminded of the friendly relationship between Linux and Cheese. I don't really know why the relationship exists but it does. One often finds references to cheese when dealing with Linux, eg

Q: It doesn't work, what do I do?
A: Add more cheese!

This Linux/Cheese relationship has always been a natural for me: I like Linux, and having been born and raised in Wisconsin it goes without saying that I like cheese. And I'm not talking about any of those Euro-Cheeses, no I'm talking about All American Cheeses. Cheeses like Cheddar. The kinds of cheeses that make you want to invade other countries when you feel that your cheese supply is being threatened. Especially countries having or suspected of having programs of WMC (Weapons of Mass Cheese). Yeah! You know what I'm talkin [sic]  about!

Anyways, back here on planet earth, as I was thinking about the Linux/Cheese relationship it occurred to me that this cozy relationship might be scaring off lactose intolerant computer users. Now I didn't really think there was any problem for the lactose intolerant, but I had no proof. What to do? What else? Get a government grant, do a stupid study, and then publish some questionable results. So, that's what we did here at the Linux Journal Labs. Our grant application can be viewed on line at http://www.howwewasteyourmoney.gov/grants?id=78280910932097519837439.

After rounding up a bunch of suckers test subjects who were lactose intolerant and a control group of lactose tolerant test subjects, we assigned them each a Linux workstation to use during the testing period. The control group was also provided with as much cheese and other dairy products as they needed to make it through the day. The lactose intolerant group was provided with a tofu cheese substitute and other "California" type food products.

After a month of testing, the results are in: on average lactose intolerant computer users exhibited the same skill range as the control group. Furthermore, the lactose intolerant users suffered no ill effects from using Linux. The only noticeable difference we saw was that the control group on average gained more weight during the testing period and they were also more likely to have unproductive days after a Packers' loss.

Full test results available by request.

Mitch Frazier is the System Administrator at Linux Journal.